By: Sarah Fowler
Well. I’ve done it again. I’ve scared off another one. This last quasi relationship lasted almost three weeks, that’s a record for me these days. But the thing is, even as this latest dating disaster crashed and burned, I really wasn’t that upset about it. Truth be told, between the difference in our age and the fact that I don’t foresee myself having to use a little blue pill in the next oh, thirty years or so and he pops them like Prinny takes her Fred Flinstone vitamins (So I’ve heard), problems were bound to arise…er, come up…hmm…happen. Problems were bound to happen. Whew, there we go. But all that aside, I knew from the beginning that it wasn’t going to last. As charming and handsome as he is, he just didn’t give me the bajiggities; that feeling where my tummy flip flops from simply being in the same room with him and I get nervous and ramble because all I want him to do is kiss me. There are a lot of things that I look for in a man, things I want and things I need. But there is this yearning in my soul that longs for a man who understands me mentally, emotionally and physically. Part of me is scared to even hope for that; am I asking for too much? (Or am I just asking to get my heart broken by being that in love with someone?) But still, that’s what I look for in dating; where those three things come together, making that instant “click” of chemistry and you just know its right.
I got my first kiss when I was 18. It was completely random and with a guy I had known since about the 4th grade. While he and I are still friends and I love him dearly, that first kiss wasn’t exactly what I had hoped it would be. In my mind I had imagined…something besides me pressed up against a car by a guy holding a cigarette in one hand and a 40 in the other. Lord, it was bad and to this day I shudder just thinking about it. After that, yes, I’ll admit it, I became what some might call a kissing whore. (Sorry Mom and Dad, but there’s no nice way to say that.) I wanted more, I wanted the “knee pop” and I was on a quest to find it. When I was a little girl I watched a Sandra Dee movie called “Tammy and the Doctor” in which all she could talk about was the elusive “knee pop”, that overwhelming, all consuming feeling you get when kissing a man and your body has a physical reaction and your knee pops. Goodness, that sounds cheesy but that’s the feeling I wanted at 18 and that’s the same feeling I want at 25, 55 and 95. I want the knee pop.
I’ve loved three men in my life. None of those men are like the other but they all have one thing in common: I knew from the moment I laid eyes on each one of them that my life was about to change. The moment I met Prinny’s father I remember turning to my girlfriend and saying: “I’m going to marry that man.” He and I had barely said two words to each other but there was this connection that I can’t explain; it was if a force greater than ourselves had taken over and from that moment on, I was hooked. Obviously those three relationships haven’t exactly been what you would call successful and as much as I want the “bajiggities”, lately when I have a feeling like that towards a man I try my damndest to walk away.
But…there’s this guy. We became friends of sorts about six months ago. We talk randomly and have had conversations about nothing and everything and sometimes I swear no man has ever understood me the way he does. And the craziest thing about this friendship is that until last week, we had never met. We’ve lived in the same town our entire lives, have the same friends and go to the same places but until a random friend request on Facebook, I didn’t even know the man existed. But my goodness, now that I do…whew, Lordy. Last week, after months of countless hours of texts and phone calls, we finally had a conversation in person, face to face. And for the life of me, I can’t tell you what the heck we talked about. Because the entire time I was standing there wondering what it would be like, what it would feel like, if he kissed me. In that awkward will he or won’t he moment, I got the bajiggites that I’ve been longing for.
On any random night you can find Prinny and I dancing around the living room, singing along to Little Mermaid’s “Kiss the Girl” song. It’s been my favorite song since I was four years old and it is quickly becoming my daughter’s favorite song as well. While the feminist inside of me wonders what message I’m sending to my impressionable five year old, the hopeless romantic in me knows I’m sending a positive one. I can only hope that Prinny looks at me and sees a strong, independent woman who, no matter how difficult my past relationships have been, still believes that love is out there. For both of us. I’ve been in relationships where I’ve had breath taking chemistry and relationships where I haven’t. And as scary as it is to be completely in love with another person; heart and body, mind and soul, I’ve decided I’m not settling for anything less anymore. For me, that chemistry that ties everything together, that instant “click”, is worth the risk.0