There are tumbleweeds in my bedroom. Yes, tumbleweeds. As a single woman, I have gotten used to not having a man around the house. Things like having to bang a jar of pickles on the counter to get the dang thing open, killing all creepy/crawly/flying insects myself and never having to worry if the toilet seat is down have become a way of life. The thing that I just can’t seem to figure out is this: What side of the bed am I supposed to sleep on?! My ex husband slept on the…the…well dang. I can’t even remember which side he slept on. I just know that he had his side and I had mine so now I tend to end up in the middle. And since my poor baby girl got the flu two days after Christmas, on New Year’s Eve it was just me and Prinny in bed with Dick Clark. See? Tumbleweeds. Oh well. At least I didn’t have to shave.
So while the rest of Columbus was out celebrating, I was lying in bed with a sick four year old contemplating my life. (And the wardrobe decisions of Mr. Clark, God bless him). As the New Year got closer, people started talking about resolutions. I normally tend to shy away from those because let’s face it, I’m not getting up at 5 am to go to the gym and sleepwalk on a treadmill and my emergency supply of Hershey’s Kisses ain’t goin nowhere. But my bed is getting colder and colder and maybe it wouldn’t hurt to try to work on myself. You have to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with someone else, right? But I’m pretty sure I’m darn near perfect so it’s going to be a short list. Nonetheless, here it is:
#1: No more hand on the hip posing. This is not America’s next Top Model. It’s Columbus, Ms. Maybe it’s just me, but good lord, what happened to taking a picture and not worrying if your arm looked fat? Nearly every single picture you see now of a group of women at least two out of three women have their hand on their hip. I, for one, know that I’ve got my grandmother’s arms (I’m super sexy, I don’t know why men haven’t noticed this) and have decided not only to stop posing that ridiculous way but to be proud of my flabby arm. And I’m going to make it look good dang it.
#2: No more late night TV. Lately I’ve begun to relate more to the Golden Girls than to Sex and the City and the heck of it is it doesn’t really bother me. I don’t care who you are, Rose Nylund is hysterical. And at 80, doesn’t funny trump sexy? I sure hope so because when it’s just me and my teeth floating in a glass I’m thinking my sex appeal may start to wane.
#3: Start paying more attention to the sobriety of the woman who waxes my eyebrows. Try as you might, but when getting ready for a night on the town without eyebrows, at a certain point it’s just slapping lipstick on a pig.
#4: And last but not least: Somehow, someway inspire a country song. Good, bad, stole his bowling ball, I don’t care. Maybe it’s just vanity run amuck but how cool would that be? This actually has nothing to do with improving myself; I’ve just always liked the idea.
So that would be my grand plan for getting rid of the tumbleweeds. I’m not asking for Studio 54(my apartment is too small) but maybe something a little less resembling the set of Lonesome Dove. I didn’t say it was the best plan but maybe with a little prayer, a lot of work and a sturdy pair of Spanx 2011 just may be the best year yet. Here’s hopin’!